Personal | Seduction of Melancholy

I’m going to be honest with you: I’m not always the smiling the face you see in my pictures.  In fact, many days it’s such an effort being that person that it affects everything I do, right down to creating blog posts.  Sometimes it’s painful allowing myself to be photographed when all I want to do is be devoured by my duvet and sleep my emptiness away.  Melancholy seduces me with it’s promise of numbing sorrow.

Anyone who follows me on Twitter quite possibly has noticed the odd comment I’ve made that may seem out of character.  One minute I’m all LOLs, the next I’m speaking of the dark side and the shadows that loom over me and pull me beneath the ground.  The psychological feeling is exactly like being caught in sinking mud; (it happened to me one year) your entire feet are steadfast, like you’re held by your ankles.  You can’t move, it’s an effort to even stay in that stationary stance, and when you do try to lift a heavy foot, your other foot is taken further in and you’re stuck battling weights insistent on absorbing you under.  That panic and helplessness is the same, now.  I fight just to stay above the surface.  Being awake only means conscious awareness of the deep ache inside, of the knowing, or rather not knowing, how I’m going to keep myself going that day.  I know I won’t.

Everybody says to have a good cry, “let it out”, “get it out of your system”.  But, when you don’t really know what you’re going to cry for, what are you letting out?  How do you know when it’s out of your system when it seems your whole system is just a weak, cumbersome bucket of tears and pain?

I don’t always feel like smiling and I don’t know why.  Sometimes what I’m thinking and feeling changes within half an hour of laughing at something.  No tweets.  No emails.  Nothing.  Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  Suddenly I’m aware of a vulnerability, I’m an open wound and I feel hollow, empty and unnoticeable.  “I’m not even worth a scuffed one penny kicked to the side of the road” – a line from a poem I wrote when I was 16 which still comes back to me with it’s relevance now.

I struggle to feel worthy, period.  Existing embarrasses me.  How can a person this ugly, this rotten, this mental, not be ashamed of being a human?

The laptop gets shut down.  The camera photos deleted out of disgust.  No blog post today.

The change may happen an hour or two later or next day, I never know.  Then I’m back tweeting LOLs and cheeky exchanges with fellow bloggers who I’m again with shared commonality.  I’m confident, brash and sharing photos from shoots – “look how amazing these shots are!”  Like I’m another person, the desperate cries are only a shadow behind me.  

The truth is, I don’t know who I am, who that shadow is, but it seems to be a part of me, for now, forever?  I’ll regret telling you this when I’m back to the familiar ‘normal’ self but for those who witness the different me, I don’t want to hide.  I appear to crave melancholy and be hidden, but I’m trying to stay away from the lure of the invisibility blanket and it’s unconscious temptation.  Don’t be afraid to say hi, you might save me from a twitter silence.


4 Comments

  1. Panty Buns

    December 15, 2013 at 5:11 am

    You are not ugly or rotten. You are beautiful and a living doll.
    As you already know I follow you on Twitter (@BeckysBoudoir) where I am @Panty_Buns. I had noticed your occasional depressed tweets including your conversation with @Ankhesenamun18. I was and am concerned, but selfishly failed and am failing to say and ask too much because of how much it would reveal about myself and because my questions would most likely be too personal. I know those feelings too well. It is not uncommon amongst those who have experienced what we have in our childhoods. I do like you, not because I’m star-struck or a lecher (okay, maybe I am a bit of a lecher), but because I feel something in common and appreciate your bravery and accomplishments. I’m certain there are plenty of other people who feel the same way. You must know that when you have those feelings that everybody hates you it’s not true. Please don’t just crawl into a bottle the way I used to – not that I’m suggesting you do. Perhaps I’m an oddball. I am sometimes embarrassed for our species seeing all the unnecessary wars and inhumane conditions visited on large numbers of people – and that can be depressing, but it’s the childhood mental traumas that are hardest to overcome. I wish you strength.
    I noticed that @SarahBlackman4, editor of @LingerieInsight tweeted that you did a great write up about the @UKLingerieAwards (http://www.beckysboudoir.blogspot.com/2013/12/uk-lingerie-awards-2013.html) and was glad you had a good time. I reiterate that I am hoping you are nominated for and win awards in 2014.
    Paradoxically I’m simultaneously sorry for not sharing more and for rambling on.
    I love your blog and YouTube channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/BeckyMagsonModel).

    http://www.full-brief-panties.blogspot.com/

  2. luxiehoney

    December 15, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    I know exactly what you feel like, I feel like that most days too! One word, one comment and my mood can go bananas, I’ve gone from laughing to screaming/sobbing in about 10 minutes. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be alone- sometimes I just can’t bear to speak anyone and I need silence, to sit in my own head until I’ve come round and I’m ready to talk again. If it helps I think your blog is wonderful and I’m always happy to see a new post from you. Big hugs xxxx

  3. The Agoraphobic Fashionista

    December 20, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    Oh Becky 🙁 you need to talk to someone about these feelings. And sooner rather than later. Any of us could sit here and try to placate you with validating comments, and they’d be sincere but they won’t help you. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low and understand completely the feelings you’re describing. I wish I could tell you that having a good cry cleanses the feelings completely, it doesn’t, but it may relieve some tension for a while. If there’s anything I can do, you know where I am xx

  4. ryan marshall

    December 24, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Well since you said so I just wanna say hi! so Hi Becky *waves from new zealand* (:

    If you ever feel down remember you have someone who you love there for you, you are making a difference giving advice to alot of women wearing the wrong bra size and I’m pretty sure your modelling is better than alot of celebs. 🙂

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